identitystar84

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 19:10:03 GMT

Alright its official my fat ass is taking the bus.

Ford: Found on Road Dead.

Insert your favorite Ford joke here :-)

No seriously my car has had a good life. Shes been going strong since 1997, engine finally died today at 133,000 miles. She got me to Washington and beyond.

Im gonna miss my little ford escort.... :'(

On the bright side, this finally motivates my hubby to get a new car! :-) The bus is actually fun...I used to do it all the time during college. Lots of eye candy kids :-)

Writer's Block: Top of the Charts

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 13:41:02 GMT

What's the most-played song in your music library?

View 2058 Answers

Smooth Criminal - Michael Jackson

Im married.... :-)

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 13:38:22 GMT

Well we finally did it and took the plunge. As of today, 9/9/9 I am married to my partner Joey. I am really excited....not that anything is going to change...just that now we are together :-)

Plus our anniversary date is cool. its like 999 HP or the amount I want to weigh.

:-)

contemplating regarding life....

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 05:13:52 GMT

Lately Ive been wondering about the effects of my life on others. I had a friend who helped me out by doing something small, and it became a Butterfly Effect. It changed my life without me noticing it, and lead me to the successful job and partner that I have now.

I am at a stand still in my life. Im a gainer, and I feel very strongly about being fat. Anyone that knows me knows this....I would fight to the death for someone who was discriminated due to size.

However my job allows me to touch other people emotionally, but I don't practice modern healthcare for myself. I never would lose weight...and heres the shocker. Even if it would kill me, I WOULD NOT do weight loss.

So with this in my mind, I am on medication for high blood pressure and anxiety disorders. I would be willing to take on more medication if I became diabetic. I am afraid, however if I became a diabetic, I would lose my best friend. She surely would not approve of it, and her advice, as my care provider, would not be followed regarding weight loss. I have told her of this, but I am so worried...we make such a great team. I know she only cares about me and my life.

Gaining is part of me...almost to the point where it supersedes other things in my life. Others have tried to tell me to find new habits and find new reason in life. I can't. Sure, games are fun, but everything else disinterests me in life. Ive tried new and different things. People say you just arent being open, your not really trying. The truth is...I am. The only thing interesting to me are paranormal phenomenon, games and science. I rejoined bellybuilders in hopes of finding other people to help that are like me. To make them feel accepted and wanted.

I used to be involved with NAAFA, but I can't find a lot of fat accepting societies that don't involve sex....and no one shares my viewpoint on it. Simply because, im fucking crazy.

Im dealing with this right now...struggling, arguing and fighting. I know I might be diabetic, and I know I will have to start medications for this....and I know the battle upcoming with my best friend, provider and supervisor.

I havent been more scared in my life. Will the ends of my life start to frey due to be being truthful? Or should I pretend I am actually interested in life.....?

My partner is hurting because of this. We share little in common in terms of gaming, yet I love being with him. He makes me feel loved and not alone. I want to make him feel the same way, but I am worried that if I do contract something and don't take care of it...he will leave.

Im just....fighting with this so much. Anyway, Im hoping someone....someone that knows what I am talking about will respond to this. Someone who is there and knows what this is like.

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 08:13:12 GMT

Just went out with my friends...sorta drunk...ish...had like 3 booster jello shots and a bucket of rum....watched house of 1000 corpses with my sister in law....the world is spinning now....ugh....

just thought i would share lawlz.....i havent been slammed in a while.

Ethical Issues....

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 04:07:15 GMT

To my readers, if I have any.....

I mainly use this journal to vent like anyone else does on here. I feel that occasionally I need to type what I feel on here in order to make what is going on in my life clearer at the time. I am now currently wrestling with conditions in my family structure that is making me worry not about myself, but others.

My partners family has alot of issues going on right now, and I am really worried for them. I have such a heart for kids, I guess because as a child I did not have the most ideal childhood. (Mom was always at work, dad was out with other women all the time, divorced my mom, was abusive, emotionally, physically and mentally.) So when I see other kids going through these problems and issues, I relieve the pain from my childhood. Well my nephew's mother is currently unable to be with her child right now, and every time I see him it pains me to think of this. I want him to be with his mother so bad. I cant reveal why she cant be with him, but its something pretty traumatic.

On the other hand, there are these two kids that are related to my partner and they are going through a pretty messed up custody battle right now. They are seeing what is going on....and this makes me want to do something

I dont know why I am affected by this so much. It bothers me. I just want kids to not go through what I went through, and I wish I could do something to stop it. I wish I could reverse time for these parents and kids and fix what went wrong.

My partner is so affected by it too. He cries because of this. I hate watching others in pain....which is why I became a nurse.

IT is so wierd. I spend all of my time at work doing what I can in my ability to help others. Sometimes, I even go over my boundaries and help others because I know I am the only one that can. However, why can not I turn this switch off that stops me from worrying so much?

I just cant enjoy anything anymore. I cant enjoy my games like I used to. My partner is out right now, having a great time with others. He can play a game, able to just shut the switch off that worries about everything. Mine just stays on...all the time. Its not about myself, its about the world, and when it is about myself, its the world that hates me.

Ive tried just about everything. Psychiatry, counseling....I just dont know what to do. Im so sick of worrying. I just want peace.......

Ive even thought of suicide, and who doesn't. Back in high school I devised plans, but I eventually became a better person because of counseling. I could never kill myself, my lord, I think my family and friends would fall apart. Besides I really honestly have a great life...well...outside of worrying about everything.

Maybe someday the worrying will stop. Maybe the only way I can stop worrying is to help others from worrying. I wonder how many times ive said worry in this journal entry......

My departure from BellyBuilders.....

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 23:46:16 GMT

As some of you may know, the few that still stumble across some of my posts as of lately, I am no longer a member on the forum, BellyBuilders. I will explain why I resigned from the position as moderator of the health forum and why I ultimately left that online community.

When I first joined BellyBuilders back in 2004, I was in a different stage of life. My relationship with my partner was failing at the time, and I was discovering a new part of myself. I had not completed school yet to become a Medical Assistant, I was completing the PreRequisites required for my field. Also, the concept of gainerism was relatively new to me, even though I myself, realized that I was a gainer, in which this makes me who I am now.

I have met alot, and I mean ALOT of cool people on BB. Some of those are ChromeDomeGainR, who I wont reveal his real name cause I know hes really shy, BaddaBing (who is the utmost, hottest king of all gainers), Izzy, my cool and crazy Mexican friend who makes me laugh about his stories in Texas, and ultimately, the man of my dreams, my partner, Enigma who is also, Joey.

What can I say about our community during this time I have been a part of it? Its landscape, as big as our bellies are, has changed. I have searched deeply to find mere companionship and like mindedness, but the more and more this community has become popular, the more and more sexual it becomes. The core, fat-positivity, has been lost to the wolves, and now we are left with a sex brothel filled with whores and hookups.

So thats why I left. I became overtly sick of being asked for sex. I have a partner, in which I throughly explained to everyone. However, when I bring up topics of how to change our world we live in for the better, I am laughed and scoffed at. I am told my dreams are too unrealistic and grandour for this world. Then I ask our community, how can we start to make a change in anyone elses eyes if our own eyes are closed, merely living in self induced fantasies?

So therefore, the final straw was when I asked others about a way to have intercourse if you, yourself are a larger guy that does not involve anal sex. I am not into anal sex at all, sorry exit only. The only thing that touches back there is Scott, and by that I mean the toliet paper brand. What came out of this thread was an attack on another person's beliefs, a choice about how a person should not be involved in polygamy. Although I do not agree with polygamy, this person that was involved in such acts is a good friend of mine, and I became extremely pissed off that others attacked him for his choice he made.

Our community had went from being ultimately supportive to a community filled with self-righteous, sexually perverse morons who only desired sex, leaving nothing to the mind of health, fat positive rights. Those who took a stand for fat positivity were shunned, for this was too risky for those who chose to live in the closet.

So in short, my life has changed. I work for a wonderful PA who is great, a practice that is respected and wonderful. I have friends who, even though are not exactly what I am, are the best friends in the world. My best friend has had gastric bypass, and she still supports me for being who I am.

So at almost 400 lbs, this adventure to Seattle has been a wonderful journey, for I have grown in mind and in body. Heres to the next part of my life, hopefully gaining knowledge, health and prosperity in its deliverance.

-M

Just to let everyone know I am alive....

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 04:52:35 GMT

Things have been kind of crazy in the past few months. Although some may see my sole purpose to live in Washington State has been to be with a certain someone, I have been starting to notice myself changing. Before I thought that believing in the fact that I was not liked by people has changed, but the mere fact that the belief that I just dislike being around alot of people at one time. I am starting to learn more and more about myself and the world I live in everyday since I have moved from Pennsylvania.

The life that I lived in PA was certainly not one of greatness, but it had its moments. Now reflecting back on my past, I begin to realize that maybe in PA, I was liked by a few people too. I had offers to do things, go places, meet people, but I eventually, and always turned this down.

I now have come to this conclusion. I need peoples interactions in order to live, in order to thrive, but my happiness is only fulfilled when I watch people do things, not when I am involved in things. I am happiest, in nature, to watch humanity, not become an active part of it.

But then, things change for me too. I think about how I DO interact with people on my job, especially my patients. Does this mean I am merely a spectator, or a interacter? Does my being simply affect the environment around me?

I am now typing this to you during a LAN party. I should be interacting with these people that have invited me over, but instead I choose to watch. I choose to spectate. I interact lightly, with the evermost subtilness.

I moved from PA to find everlasting happiness, to find a better career and a wonderful life with a certain individual. But does this individual like me and love me regardless of who I am? or is this person keeping silent about their emotions?

I dont know what prompted me to type this. I guess I feel I need to document my life.

At first, I was simply just a labeled individual in our community. But now, I am asking questions as to like, what defines who I am? Do labels matter? Does people matter? Am I hated /loved despite my actions?

I am questioning everything, including life. I only can hope that this person loves me regardless if I am just a spectator and not really an interactor. Sure I dont have the greatest goals in life, but I think having a home, my love and a cat makes me happy. I dont need 20 billion people in my life, only 1. Why is this such a hard request? I dont understand. I never will. And that is my predicament, socialization. I need to watch others, but being in this world that forces socialization, no matter what, makes me wonder about other peoples motives, and the world I live in.

Wow, its been a while since I updated, guess I better do that....

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 04:21:48 GMT

I dont know if anyone on here reads my journal entries. If you do, I am glad you do, because it gives me a reason to type this. lol

Basically, let me give you a little bit of a lesson on my life so far. It has completely changed. I am no longer with Chris, my partner of 4 years. We finally agreed it would be best to go our separate ways because I am a gainer/encourager, he is not. I am also, very GLAD to be out of this relationship, because I have met my new partner, a wonderful man who we will name "J" who I am in love with and he loves me. He is a gainer/encourager who lives in the Seattle/Tacoma, Washington area, and I met him on bellybuilders.com. He is the most wonderful person I have ever met, and I love him with all of my heart. He loves my big body, as do I love his. We love video games together. We love lots of things together, but most importantly, we mutally agreed to share our lives together. I would do anything for this man, and he knows he would do anything for me.

I am also not becoming an RN anymore, I am maintaining my MA status and finding certification. I am also going for my certification exam and graduating from college with an A.S. in Liberal Arts and Sciences. I then plan to eventually, if my cards play out right, a A.S. in Medical Lab Technology.

I am also moving to Washington to find new work and better pay in February.

This is all very exciting for me. My entire life is changing before my eyes. I met a wonderful family who really likes me for being me, and I think that is great. I may, if everything works out right, be living with this family soon until I can find a place in Tacoma. The stories they tell, their lives all inspire me, especially the daughter in this family. She has totally changed my mind about patients who choose gastric bypass, even though I would never be one of those patients.

Life is very good right now. Very good indeed. As I sit here cradling my 350 lb belly, I can only look to the sky, and dare to dream of a life worth living with a partner and family thats more valued.

-Marc

Fat Camp

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 00:14:13 GMT

They tried to make me go to fat camp but I said 'no, no, no'
Yes I am fat and I will when I come back you know know know
I ain't got the time for the exercise
He's tried to make me go to fat camp but I won't go go go

I'd rather be at home eating
I ain't got no disease
Coz there's nothing
There's nothing you can teach me
That I can't learn from mrs. butterworths

I didn't get al lucky at gym class
But I know it don't come in a yoga mat

They tried to make me go to fat camp but I said 'no, no, no'
Yes I am fat and I will when I come back you know know know
I ain't got the time for the exercise
He's tried to make me go to fat camp but I won't go go go

The man said 'why do you think you here'
I said 'I got no idea
I'm gonna, I'm gonna keep on eating
so I always keep a pizza near'
He said 'I just think your depressed,
kiss me here baby and go rest'

They tried to make me go to fat camp but I said 'no, no, no'
Yes I am fat and I will when I come back you know know know
I ain't got the time for the exercise
He's tried to make me go to fat camp but I won't go go go

I am always gonna eat again
I just ooh I just need a friend
I'm not gonna spend ten weeks
have everyone think I'm on losing then

It's just my pride
It's just til my pants go wide

They tried to make me go to fat camp but I said 'no, no, no'
Yes I am fat and I will when I come back you know know know
I ain't got the time for the exercise
He's tried to make me go to fat camp but I won't go go go

(lyrics taken from Amy Winehouse's Rehab and modified by me)

I finally put alot of my energy into a creative output.....

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 01:51:54 GMT

Hello Fat Boys and Girls,

I have created a website dedicated to serving the medical needs of the larger community which DOES NOT want to lose weight. I put alot of time and energy into this, and it is just beginning. The more I learn, the more I create.

The site is http://health.bellybuilders.com

Please check it out. It is a joint collaboration between myself and the webmaster of BellyBuilders, Anthony. I created it because most gainers are extremely clueless to how to gain successfully, and I hope this site will help those who need it. I hope you all like it and I am ALWAYS open to suggestions.

Thanks again,

-identitystar84

so its my birthday again......

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 02:28:48 GMT

Another year older, another year fatter (fortunately)!!!! Im 23 now, and I feel great! I am 355, 5'6 and doing very well, Chris had his gastric bypass surgery (my partner) and he is doing okay with it. I just worry about him and all these crazy side effects he is having...but I am hopeful that they will all resolve for him.

I am thinking of creating a website dedicated to fat/obese people and ways to stay healthy, plus to also show the truth on who and what gainers/encouragers are. I have been thinking of doing this project for a while, and I think this is the perfect summer to do it.

I probably will get started on the site at the end of July, hopefully up by September. Hopefully it will make some of you think about your health and how being big isnt a death sentence like the media wants us to think it is.

I really wish I could help change people's minds about obesity. I have had many an inspiration over the years. My mom is a larger woman (has really been large all her life) and she has been successful in controlling her diabetes (which was gestational, and continued further on) and her other health issues. She also has taught me the correct way to eat and gain weight at the same time. Baddabing has also been an inspiration to me regarding obesity, hes an extremely larger man and from what I know, he doesnt have that many health issues. Finally, my own PCP is a larger woman, and she has told me that it is possible to be fat and healthy.

So finally, I have a message to all of you. Dont listen to the media!!! Dont let them get you down, because you have to do what you feel is right. To those that feel that being fat is a horrible, disgraceful thing, dont. Your husbands/wives/partners and family's and society's lack of social support is the result of your anxiety and depression. It is not the fat, it is the lack of support they provide. If you like your body, show them. Wear it proud, and dont stop wearing it because they dislike you. They, like many others, are simply mindless zombies are pathetic, uncoordinated, stereotyped-creating medical and media communities have created. You have the power to exercise, eat right and still live in a body that you like. And finally, to those that are fat and want to be thinner, its okay as well. I only wish that you do it with health in mind, and dont do it according to Women's World. Consult your doctor, tell him/her that you want to lose weight, and go according to their plan. Like any commitment or promise, it is a hard road. For me, gaining even the slightest amount of weight was a difficult road. I had to modify my lifestyle, eat more, spend more, but finally I got the body that felt right for me. And I didnt do it eating McDonalds. So that means you can't do it vomiting in the toliet every night or going on hunger strikes. :-)

And to those that disagree with me, thats okay too. Just realize that someday you will be proven wrong, and someday someone will wake you up.

Always yours,

-identitystar84

I feel really full of energy, kinda manic right now. so lets write :-!!

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 06:43:35 GMT

Its 2:30 in the morning, I just took a dietary sleeping supplement that always works. I just made a night donut run plus i had to get some nite lights for my mother in laws visit. Im lucky that I get to say I really like my mother in law. ALOT. :-)

Anyway, tonight I took a stand. I decided to stop whining and bitching about how sad I was and actually find out some information. Yahoo! wasnt giving me the answer to my question that I was searching for, so I decided to find it out on my own.

I decided that I would go on my partners gastric bypass website in order to find information from obese people that may have been in fat positive groups, but now require surgery in order to stop diabetes or hypertension that has gone beyond control. I was shocked...and APPALLED as to how they treated me on the website.

I went in and merely told them my feelings and what I was searching for. Some people didnt understand me, and I said that was okay, and I explained who I was clearer (just to catch you up to date, read my first blog entry).

These people literally scapegoated me for wanting to spread fat-positivity. They took everything I said and twisted it, and worse off they said that my partner should look elsewhere and that I dont support him. Although I still dont support the idea of this surgery, I love my partner and when you love someone, you care for them and help them become the person they want to be. I will be there to clean his drain and tend to his needs in this week upcoming. My partner and I are kinda like the witches from Wicked, Im Elphaba of course cause I am different, more dark and sinister with love :-). I also reject society. My partner is the loving, conforming Glinda, who wants everyone to be happy. Blech. But I still love him :-p I guess the truth stands, opposites do attract!

Anyway, these bastards basically told me Im gonna die and that I should just shoot myself right now because my life is useless and I shouldnt be in the medical field.....omg you should have seen it. It was World War 3. It was Fierce. It was Strong, it was a ultimate outpouring of rage~~! But I stood my ground and held my defense. I felt more alive then ever....defending an issue I firmly believe in!!! I have evidence...you can be FAT and healthy....it is possible.

I am now severely unsure of my career. Should I continue in medicine only because I am good at it, even though I do not agree with aspects of medically ordained doctrine? I am constantly trying to find the answer to this question, if it indeed exists.

At any rate, my supplement will be kicking in soon. My theory on the debate? I am stronger then those people. I have decided to accept fate and let life take me on its journey. Society will no longer dictate my decisions. I will dictate them, and if I die, then its a journey well travelled.

-Marc

Yes, I know I havent updated in like ever, but here goes...

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 10:39:31 GMT

I thought I would add something new to our little community and my LJ while I had the time to do it. Here is what is new in this gainers life....

First, I am now 350 lbs and im still 5'6". This is an awesome achievement for me, since I had an original goal to become 350 lbs. I am not sure I want to gain more, even though my love of food is really intense. If I wanted to, and if I was "taken care of", I think I really could gain to 700-800 lbs. It doesnt really bother me that I know I cant go on most rides at amusement parks or be very active. What matters to me is that I am in the body I want to be in, no matter what the cost. I would even risk my health to do such things, I have a family history of being diabetic and hypertensive (high BP) and high cholesterol. Genetics and DNA arent exactly on my side, here, but I need to do what I need to do in this life. If I do acquire diabetes, I am going to have to just take my meds and watch my glucose levels. Thats the life I am going to have to lead, no questions asked.

My partner was recently approved for gastric bypass surgery. It is very unique, and different, to live with someone that is your total, polar opposite. Sometimes we get into fights about things and how I eat, sometimes we can love and care for each other. We have a very unique relationship, and I hope it does not end, but who knows. Life is so complex, and people are complex. I personally wouldnt ever get the surgery, for obvious reasons, but to each his/her own. I just want people to accept me and I want people to be happy, and thats why I think he still loves me. That and I pay the rent....lol.

I often still question my abilities as a student of medicine and as a medical assistant. I guess thats common in careers, especially in mine where everything can change in an instant. I guess as long as I listen to my superiors, everything will be fine.

I used to go to therapy, but I stopped. I just wasnt getting a great deal out of it, and it was expensive for me. I am now seeing one of my supervisors for treatment for Generalized Anxiety Disorder. No practitioner or psychologist can see why I am a gainer, everyone thinks I am hiding behind my weight. Well, I am not. I just like being big. As a smaller person, I literally felt "cold" all the time. I wouldnt want to be smaller, I enjoy who I am now.

This week, I talked to one of my friends on the phone. He wasnt feeling well, I really hope he gets better. I keep telling him to stop eating food from the trash in his dorm room, but he never listens ;-) lol jk, nah he doesnt do that. Hes a cute kid though, hes also my mistress, in case you all are wondering lol.

Life just sucks right now, so much is going on. I just want Chris's surgery to be over with. I just want to get on and out of nursing school and move to Florida. These days are flying by, but it seems like I am running too hard, and moving too slow.

-Marc

Hello everyone :-)

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 22:04:21 GMT

First off, thank you for viewing my journal. I have posted my bio in my profile if your interested in who I am. That pretty much explains me. I did forget to put that I am going into RN school in the fall, my eventual goal is to become a CRNP, because I really want to help others. I have always loved the medical field, and I would do anything to help someone. I know this sounds corny as hell, but I get joy out of seeing joy from others.

Well, again that pretty much explains who I am....I'm actually a pretty bland person. I dont have an exciting life, and thats by choice. I dont want to jump out of airplanes, go to clubs and bars, hang around at 2 a.m. in the middle of a bad neighborhood.

I however do want to have a nice life, and me and my partner have accomplished that so far. I am 22, and he is 24, and we already have our own house, vehicle and I am well on my way to finishing up school. I even have graduated college, I am just finishing up the biggest and final stage of my educational career while I work in medicine.

Like I stated before, even though I am young, I dont have a young person's mentality. I like to live peacefully and quietly. At times I can be loud, but I am really just this homebody that could sit inside a house all day...I really only like to go to work, come home and maybe go to the grocery store and the movies with my partner. He feels the same way about life, and I think thats why I click.

Your probably either by this point (if your reading this) wondering why I am gay. I simply was born this way, and I don't care what other people say, it is NOT A CHOICE. I always like to say to those people, okay well if it was a choice, do you think I would have chosen to have such a rocky and unstable legal disposition with the government because I can not get married. Who will take over everything if I die (and that really is a possibility at this point because of my largeness):-).

Well that is on to the other subject that probably all of you readers are wondering about. Why did I choose to want to gain weight? Why do that when everyone else thinks that fat and large people in particular are disgusting? Simply because it is who I am. I used to be this 190 lb guy who wasn't exactly small, but I was way more thinner then what I am now. I felt totally wrong in that body, probably exactly how an obese person who wants to be skinny feels in their own body. When people ask, I simply tell them, you wouldn't understand because you aren't me, and its true. I have an extremely hard time understanding why anyone likes the thinner figure. So it comes to a choice. A. Be mentally happy and be physically bad, or B. Be physically happy and mentally bad. I chose A because I need to live a life that I am comfortable with, and being 400 lbs is something that I want to be because my brain says it's correct. Even if it means living up until I am 40, because I will have lived a life that would have made me happy.

So thats why I am the way I am. I work off of instinct on many things, I rarely if ever listen to anyone, even if it is common sense :-). Which kind of stuns people, because they are like wow, the medical field is all about logic and common-sense. I guess thats why I am attracted to it. It takes me away from who I am at times, and I become this totally different person.

As wierd as I am, I hope you will still find me interesting and not completely crazy. Because in everyone elses world, I think they are crazy, and by large, I think the world as a whole has gone crazy. :-)

-identitystar84